Thursday

Today would have been the day that I was coming back from his state to my hometown…..I have a wedding to go to on Saturday and I’m nervous about it.  I have the reputation for crying around this family I’m going to be with over the weekend.  And, shit, I can’t stand love songs right now.  Like, yes, I listen to them and they make me cry, but I really don’t want to start crying at the wedding reception where they’ll be dj’ing songs and playing requests that the guests have sent in on their RSVP cards.  I didn’t send one in because, oddly enough, I foresaw this breakup happening and I didn’t want to request a song that would just make me remember the good times during the wedding.

When we got together we posted a pic of ourselves in the snow together; we look so happy in it.  I got something  like 42 likes (which is a lot for me) and a bunch of supportive comments on it, including from my family where the wedding’s gonna be happening.  I just hope they understand if I’m sad and start crying.  I kind of want to go back to the motel after the wedding or after the reception dinner but god, I don’t know who will be willing or sober enough to drive me.  I’m riding up with my mom.  I hate coming out to everyone as being out of a relationship, and I really don’t want to be judged for not being attracted to the boifriend…..I’ve judged myself enough on that.  Apologized and silently prayed I’m sorry to him over and over over the last 2 weeks.  Ugh.

I wish I had something positive to say but hell, I don’t.  I’m worried that I’ll become depressed over this but really I see that I’m crying over the breakup and nothing else, so that’s a positive sign.  My friend’s gonna come down from where she’s living to help teach me to drive.  Hopefully once that’s over I’ll feel better.  Like, I took a Lyft to fill out a job app yesterday and that brought me out of it.  At first I cried to the person who was driving me there because she commented that it was a beautiful day and I just wasn’t feeling it.  She was sweet, though.  I told her about the breakup and she listened, was caring, and then we started talking about the importance of emotions and how to love people and use things, and not the other way around.  I think we were kindred spirits.  She’s the one who encouraged me to journal my feelings, which I’m doing right now. And then on the way back I had a jokey potty-mouthed driver who I bullshitted with and laughed with all the way back home with.  She was fun and driving back with her put me in a good mood.

I wish I trusted where I live enough to walk around but due to times in the past where I’ve been *grr hurt* I feel really self-conscious and uncomfortable when I go out walking around here.  I just started typing that I could bite the bullet and my PTSD and start riding my bike around again, but felt a surge of fear about.  Maybe later?  Who knows.  All I know is that I’m sick of feeding my sadness with food and that it helps me to go out.  It’s a feeling of freedom that I can’t replicate anywhere around the house.

This song by Nina Simone brings me comfort right now.  I feel her.  Especially if you think of, as in the documentary, she was talking about how black people lost their sense of history and identity through slavery and jim crow and all of that shit.  It helps me empathize and brings me into her world, not just a prejudiced world but the world of someone who’s going through crap like me.

Nina Simone – Ain’t Got No…I’ve Got Life

I’m leaning on my friends really heavily right now, and I’m so thankful for them.  One friend who’s called me every day ever since we met is continuing to call me every day and is holding my hand through all of it.  Another I just told about the break-up.  That I was hurting.  Asked him to pray for me because that’s what he does and how he can show that he cares.  He texted back that he loves me.  Which is how I feel about my friends right now.  I love them all.  Even the ones I only talk to once a month or so.  They’re all here for me surrounding me with love….and I’m lucky for that.

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