Miss Him

I broke up with the boifriend and feel like I need to journal.

Last night I had a dream where some of my friends and I – including people I know expressly in dreams – were inside a cabin, probably his sister’s cabin, and then a couple of people were going outside.  I saw a white tiger out there…..right outside the cabin.  I stood at the screen door and looked at it.  Warned them.  The tiger came around and kind of tried to get them – not maul them, but definitely attack or subdue them.  They ran around for awhile and one person played dead.  Then animal control came over and told us that there were probably babies that the tiger – a mom – a tiger mom? – was protecting under the deck.  I didn’t get to see the babies but we were all okay, a little shaken up but physically fine, and the dream faded out.

I’ve mentioned before that cats and I have a special dream relationship.  They’re symbols of myself.  I’m wondering if this is true for big cats as well.  Especially unique white tigers.  My initial feeling about this dream is that I’m still recovering from the breakup (happened 2 weeks ago Saturday) and I’m afraid of going “outside” again.  But once I’m there, I’ll be greeted with something new and possibly full of life – babies.  Maybe my inner tiger mom is protecting me from going outside just yet.

I created a new profile on a dating site just to see who’s out there.  I’m not at all ready to go out with anyone or even talk, but something in me wants to look and see.  It makes me sad.  I can’t even answer the personality questions yet.  But yeah.

At first I talked all about him and my trip to where he lives, but this week the grief started to settle in and the sharing seemed useless.  I miss him.  But I know that we’re not going to be good together, even if I’m still nursing the dream of moving to San Luis Obispo with him in the future.  It’s weird how grief lets some things go and then hangs on to others.

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