How do you counter someone who has doubts about your want to go on HRT?
I have doubts myself, and my therapist, whom I trust and like as a person (she has the bestest laugh!) thinks that I should think about whether I’m imposing unattainable male images onto myself. Or was when I was skinny.
It’s something to think about.
I remember wanting to look more like a guy when I was in Portland, but too scared of all of the other changes that would happen. So I didn’t go on T.
I’m still afraid of the changes that might happen, even if I go on a low dose of Androgel – I don’t know if I want to think more like a guy.
At the same time, I feel like I need a change.
Is this the change that I want? It scares me.
I don’t know how to explore if I’ve internalized gay male images. I said I wanted to look like a young gay boy, which is only partially true, but it was a red flag for her. She’s done work, I take it, on male and female body image and pointed out that a lot of women want to look either like a 12-year-old girl (androgynous, no hips at all, angular face) or a young gay man. she pointed out that most modes – male and female – have eating disorders to acheive that no-curves look. She’s new to the whole trans* thing and I can teach her stuff.
But the thing is, it’s my face that I want to change. I know that I have some shitty body image issues that are related to being fat / being too curvy (in the past), but I don’t really regard my body with the same kind of ambivalence that I do my face.
Like I said in an earlier post, I want to look like Mark from Rent. I think that’s a healthy face aspiration to have. He’s not overly skinny but still has a male jawline and cute hair like mine. Same for Trey Anastasio.
I’m thinking, though, that I should wait and lose some weight before I make a final decision to go on T. That’ll clear up a good portion of the body image issue that is just really intertwined with the wanting to look more like a boy issue.
It’s funny. “Would losing weight clear this up?” “Would a more masculine haircut do it?” These are the questions that I regularly ask myself. I haven’t done either, but since they’re so pervasive maybe I need to address them first. How much is enough?
I know that I’m going to have to educate her on genderqueerness – that I can not want a male body but still want to be on T – in the long run. She said that I’ll have a few weeks before my next appointment to research. And I think I’m gonna do some research for _her_ – get and print out an article or two from my Genderqueer: Voices from Beyond the Sexual Binary book for her to read.
She’s open-minded, but needs to know a little bit more about where I’m coming from. What’s better than an article or two to supplement what I’ve already told her?