So I had an interesting dream last night.
I had fallen asleep in the living room listening to NPR’s “Latest Stories” and this dream occurred there.
I remember a drawing of a two-headed fish with teeth, or maybe a shark, like a child’s drawing. Done in a colored ink. It was kind of janus-y, with one side reflecting the other, except that one of the heads was full and clear, and the other was a little shrunken.
Then we went on to meeting with Joe Stevens of Coyote Grace (I recently contacted him about doing a workshop at a conference I’m involved in; alas, no deal, because I did so prematurely without realizing that there wasn’t enough time for him to do his thing). Anyway, I met with him, and he had a multicolored small baseball bat, with streaks of purple, yellow,and orange snaking down the length of the bat. He taught me how to color my own bat that way – a rainbow-colored bat. We didn’t use the bats for hitting things, just swung them.
Then during that swinging session, a tall man in all black, kind of like a menacing cartoon character, intruded into my field of vision. Started walking towards me. It was so scary that I woke up and screamed.
I’m thinking that this dream has to do with gender. The two-sided fish could represent my gender – one side is fine, and to be complete, the stunted side needs to grow. I like the idea of gender as a circle, kind of the way these fish appeared (or maybe an oval), and to be full, that other side, whatever it is, needs to be complete. Or maybe it doesn’t – maybe it’s my perception that it needs to grow.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my hair lately. It’s one of the reasons why I get read as female, and maybe as straight, most of the time these days. It really bugs me, but I don’t want to cut my hair short again because I’m going to Idaho with my dad this summer and really, really don’t want to get harassed and stared at. I want the passing privilege that my long hair gives me even though I hate it.
The compromise that I find could be to cut my hair shorter, but still below my face, and layer it in a way in which I could part it sideways, thereby giving me a more masculine look. That’ll help as I begin to (fingers crossed) lose weight and genearally feel better about my face, which, to my eyes, is really fat now. There’s nothing like looking in the mirror and not seeing what you think you are. This is only exacerbated by the weight gain, and I also hate it.
The bat sounds like something phallic. Maybe. Or a way of relating to the world – reaching out, and swinging back in. Being taught by Joe Stevens is significant because he’s an important singer to me – his songs have helped propel me to Portland, console me when I came back. Transitions of all kinds aided by him. Rainbow means I can do it in my own way, my queerish way.
So that’s my dream. I thought I would put it up on here as a record, and also so people could offer their thoughts, if they have any.