Needing to Process

Buck Angel is okay, but I don’t want to be like him.

I want to be like Mark from R.E.N.T. – quirky (already), nerdy, with a striped scarf hanging from his neck.

I remember sitting on the light rail train, and the woman next to me tapping me and saying, “You know who you look like?” Smile.

“Who?” I squeaked out.

Her eyes got big.  Her face blushed.  She had thought I was a guy.  “Nope.  Never mind,” she said, smiling.

Now was curious.  “Aww, tell me, please?”  Let it be Anthony Rapp (Mark from R.E.N.T.)

“Nope, not gonna happen.”  She grinned.  She was embarrassed.  Couldn’t get it out of her to tell me who she thought I looked like.

We sat there in happy, although slightly befuddled, silence until the next stop came up.

“Bye.”  “Bye.”  Grinning both.

 

“Dad.”

This is what an Irish American man said to me when he saw me get on the bus from Winco.

“You’re the spitting image of my father, except that you’re a lady!  Oh, I’m sorry!”

“No, it’s okay!  It’s flattering!”

“No, you’re not an ugly guy” was his message.  It never stops confusing me when men consider themselves, even the handsomest of handsome, unbeautiful.

 

Now I want to be in that state.

I’m getting read as female 100% of the time, and it bugs me.

Part of it is from the weight gain and subsequent boobage, but maybe there’s more?  Will my face continue to feminize itself if I don’t do something about it?

I want to be like Anthony Rapp.  A cute, nerdy, bespecacled gay boy who can belt out showtunes wherever he damn well pleases.

And that, my ladies and folks and gents, is why I told my best friend today that I want to go on T.

Actually, decided to go on T.  

I told my dad and everything.

But now, in the quiet house, I wonder if I’m just playing.  What if I don’t want that after all?  After I’ve told everybody?

I know that I’m tired of being jealous of one-month before and after shots of folks who have gone on T and have a slightly handsomer (to me) angle to their face.  

I want my face to shine through.  I want to be able to see it and not just superimpose it on myself when I look into the mirror.

I want to look at myself and feel better than I do right now.

I want to look like Anthony Rapp.

I’m a little bit more scared of how the way I think will change; I’m just getting used to, and starting to like, how I think now.

Men are different, my dad tells me.  You’re going to change.

It’s been years since I’ve felt fluid and a gnawing to write.  What if that goes away, or changes?

I know that I will be jealous of before and after / 1-month shots.  And I also know that I need to lose weight.

There will be time to do this as I save up (I don’t even know what T costs, or what it’s called medically, except for Androgel) for my scripts.  There will be time to build up an arsenal of information to tell my mom.  To come out to the rest of my friends, and to get support.  Lots of time.

I just can’t believe I’m doing this…….that I’ve made this decision.

Anthony Rapp.  Anthony Rapp.  Anthony Rapp.

I guess I’m still conflicted, aren’t I?  Does that ever go away?  Do you usually feel scared and uncertain before starting this, even as you see visions of a more masculine self and more masculine-perceived ways of doing things (I’m already kind of a show off, when no one’s looking) around family and close friends who are, in essence family.

So many questions.

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