I wanna be like you, but not really

I wrote this about a year ago about the feelings I have being around trans* guys. I always get antsy, like I want to change, but I think I’ve been through the whole “to T or not to T” process and have come out on the “not” side. It’s kinda conflicted and indecisive, kinda, and I hope it doesn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.  I have this image, like, I could experiment with T, just to see how it feels, but I feel conflicted about the changes it would bring.  I don’t like my face, but I like the softness of my body, the things that mark me as female/feminine, but still….I’m still wanting to “experiment”

I’m posting this as a part of the Brag Board on The Gender Book, http://www.thegenderbook.com/, an excellent book explaining non-binary genders in words, pictures, and, hopefully, song. 🙂

I wanna be like you, but not really: A Genderqueer Ballad

I wanna be like you,

but not really.

I wanna look like you,

but not really.

You have your path

I have mine.

You look great and

I look fine.

I think.

I think I see myself

in the mirror sometimes.

I think I see someone else

in the mirror too.

When my life is going right,

a glimpse, an eyelash, a nose

that is who I can be, who I could be

maybe.

I wanna be like you

but not really.

I wanna look like you

but not really.

Your voice glows and it growls

in a way that I want

but not really

Your face I see it, it’s becoming you

And I think, Is that me?

No, not really

Or maybe.

I’m me,

and I’m objectifying you

into something I could be

because…..you’re a possibility

a change

that I want, and that I envy

that could be me.

but that I don’t think, I don’t think

I really want.

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8 Comments

  1. I relate to what you’re saying a whole lot. I used to spend way too much time looking at pics of peoples’ transitions (back in the heyday of livejournal) and I think what I was doing was I was trying to find myself amongst them. And it still took me a bunch more years to decide that yes, I was going to try testosterone at a level that would not bring about physical changes, just to see what it felt like. So that I could finally know whether it was for me or not. (And it definitely is.) I wish you well on whatever your journey may end up looking like!

    • Thanks, and thanks for wishing me well! 🙂 For me, it was YouTube. All of those videos of guys and genderqueers transitioning, and I’d feel a little sadness intermingled with happiness when they started to take testosterone, I think because I was a little jealous of them, but also because I had a feeling that it wasn’t for me. Fast forward two years to a transguy support group I was at, and it was like, “WOAH! These guys look like guys!” – I actually mistook the leader of the group for a MAAB (or whatever your terms are) guy, and thought the meeting was somewhere else. That scared me away from T for awhile because I knew I wanted that I would change waaaay too much for my taste. But that niggling interest stayed the same – what about a low dose….? So it’s nice to meet someone who hasn’t changed too much but finds that testosterone suits them just fine! Gives me another perspective to consider, and some more to think about 🙂 Sorry for writing so much. I haven’t really written out my story before.

  2. This really speaks to me. When I was a teenager, I used to fight with my mom about wearing “boy clothes”. They just made me feel more comfortable. I didn’t want to “be a boy”, per se. I still went by Jessica, still kept my hair long–I just wanted to wear boy clothes. Now, I’m by no means a feminine person (thought my avatar pic may make you think otherwise), but generally, I’ve kept a sort of style that centers on a lot of jackets and tanktops, where I’m shopping from the women’s department, but I’ve got a slightly male edge to it. Until recently. The photo you commented on of me is the first time I’ve bought male clothes in years. And I still look fucking feminine as hell! I think I’d need facial hair or a short do to make it look more like a man. But do I want to be a man? Am I just a girl in boys’ clothing? what do I really want? It’s nice to be all over the nonbinary spectrum, as long as you’re comfortable, but I don’t really know what I want. I feel that if I don’t “pick a side”, even if that side is bigender or genderfluid, that I’m being disingenuous. I feel that if I don’t go the full route of getting facial hair and using a male name and binding my chest, then I can’t wear boy clothes. That’s obviously a stupid thing to think, but trying to make myself more comfortable in my clothing only lead to me being less comfortable.

    Anyway, this is a lengthy rant, and maybe it’s not too similar to your experience, but it felt good to write it all out. 🙂 Thank you for posting your thoughts and being as real as you can. I just checked your blog out after you commented on my pic–and I totally love where you’re coming from on things.

    • Hey, it’s not stupid at all, and I love reading lengthy rants! My blog is basically one long rant, if you haven’t noticed! I guess what I have to say is something that my friend said earlier today when we were talking about the universe. She said, it just is. It existed before labels, which we use to avoid being afraid of things. (or something to that effect). I think it’s perfectly fine, and authentic, and brave!, to live your life without labels. If that’s what speaks to you, go for it! If you think you’ll feel more comfortable with some, then take your time and figure out what resonates with you as a person.

      In my opinion, clothes are just clothes. It’s the labels we put on them that make them off limits. Rip the “boy” and “girl” off them and guess what? Anybody can wear them. 🙂 (With that said, it does feel deliciously subversive to outdo guys when I’m rocking a certain style and whatnot). So you have *my* permission to wear whatever you want 😉

      Anyway, thanks for liking my blog. I liked the photo of you that you posted – you look really comfy in those boy digs.

      • Ahhh this is beautiful! Thanks for such a kick ass response. It does make me feel better to hear it from someone else’s perspective, directly to me. That is really IS okay. The ironic part about the label queer, or any of the others, is that they’re meant to free us. But they only constrict some of us. So I like the attitude of doing whatever feels right… though I’m in the process of still figuring that out. It’s nice to vent, and even nicer to know that I’m not alone. 🙂

  3. Oh honey. You’re not alone. There are plenty of us out there that understand, or at least are willing to give you a fair hearing, and and ear to listen. 🙂

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