“What does a not-girl, not-boy transition to?”
I can so relate to this post.
I remember first hearing the word t*y being used by transguys on YouTube. “I’m a trannyfag,” was the most frequently occurring one. I used it on a guy a little after that, and was swiftly kicked in the butt. He most certainly did not like being called a *, and how dare you use that word in the first place? He hated that word.
It’s weird, though, how language changes the context of things. Being normalized by guys on their vlogs, I thought it would be fine for me to use it.
Now I realize that it’s not mine to use. While other people identify me as trans*, I don’t identify myself as such.
Because for me, being trans* is something that does require more than a social transition, a change of names and/or pronouns. Or even driver’s license.
It’s the need to change your body in a way that requires pharmaceutical use. (Not always, though. There are plenty of folks who don’t transition biochemically but keep their trans* identities, their names, their true pronouns).
s.e. smith makes the point that the word t*y doesn’t belong to me: it’s not mine to use, ever. Even with explicit permission, in my opinion. Those reclaiming it are trans* women, who’ve been called that while just doing daily things, as well as while being raped, being killed.
Not my term.
The closest term that resonates with me in the same way is “it.” I was called that once by my brother’s neighbors who had just moved in. Sitting on the hood of my brother’s car with my nephew. Whenever I hear that slur, I wonder if the person using it has gender issues that manifest themselves in the form of a slur: self-hatred inculcates a particularly violent kind of acting out.
But yes, transitioning. What do you transition to if you don’t identify with male or female parts? If you’re in flux so much that doing something permanent feels particularly drastic, as it does to me?
Reminds me of a series of photos that Antony, of Antony and the Johnsons (http://www.antonyandthejohnsons.com/samples/samples.html), did a few years ago. A fellow genderqueer,ze/she (not sure of her pronouns) covered her body in white paint and eliminated all gender markers. It scared the crap out of me at first, but there was a feeling that I was like that too. That I wanted to experiment with genderlessness.
So I dressed like a boy and, yeah, got called names. But what freedom! Feeling that I was finally in the role that I was finally supposed to be in.